I knew my partner’s death was inevitable.
I, like everyone else, had no real knowledge of a timeline for that eventuality. But I was pretty confident we were not going to grow old together. This fact was often part of conversations that he and I had over the years. He knew that his time on this planet as a human was going to be shorter than any of us want.
I can’t say he was ever ok with that. He wanted to live, he had
On the other hand, who am I to say he is not experiencing it?
I have no way of knowing what lies beyond our carbon-based selves. I like to think he’s out there in some way. It sure would be nice to have a clear sign though. It is damned hard to get a straight answer out of him these days.
Anyway, in the back of my mind, I knew I’d be facing life without him and now it is here. I miss him every day. But I had
Stress and how it can sneak it’s way into your life
While working to keep our lives together with the major change in Aaron’s health about 5.5 years ago; the challenges of dialysis, doctors appointments, kids, parents and work, I started stress eating. It wasn’t a huge problem but I felt it and every once in a while I would do a mini-purge with a diet. This, of course, was an attempt to take off some of the 30lbs I had managed to hide in the middle of my body. It never really worked, but I know now that I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to lose it either. As soon as I would start a crisis would come up and I would shovel a plateful of lasagna or Fettuccini Alfredo for comfort. I knew this was totally reasonable given the circumstances and I didn’t beat myself up too much about it.
Over the Holidays, as friends and family brought copious amounts of food, reached out, offering support, dinners, lunches, spa days( I LOVE spa days and Le Nordik Spa). I realized that I needed to make changes in my life.
So Now I am Saying Yes
One of the biggest challenges I’ve had has been letting go of control of the outcome. Even in the final months of Aaron’s life, it became apparent that I couldn’t control his trajectory, I couldn’t save him from his own fate. I had to take a step back, it was the hardest step I have ever taken. But, it was also liberating for both of us. Upon reflection, I have realized that I have had a lot of anxiety over the years stemming from the crisis’ I’ve been part of. Things with my loved one’s health were so out of my control and chaotic, I would try to control everything else around me with precision. This served me well during this time, but I feel now it may hold me back from experiences.
So I am letting go. When someone invites me to something, I am taking the leap and jumping into new things. I am hoping it will help me grow as a person and lead me into this next phase of my life. I think that I just have to accept what is coming to me, having faith that it will lead me in the right direction.
Times of Change
A close friend who works out at a gym in town has been trying to convince me to join for months. I haven’t worked out in a gym since my 20s but in January, I went in and signed up for the whole year. I felt I just needed to commit. I’ve now been working out 2-3 times per week and I am already feeling physically stronger.
I was invited by another one of my close
Shall we Dance?
The next offer came in the form of dance lessons. Again, a close
It’s been a month of these new habits. I know I have lost weight ( I am waiting until day 30 to actually weigh in). At Christmas, I had to leave the pockets open on my snow pants in order to zip them up and there was no chance of closing the clasp. Now I can zip them up and have a little room behind the clasp after it is closed. (you know you live in Canada when this is how you measure your waist). This feels great!
I know that not everyone who is in grief mode can take these types of changes in their lives. This has been great for my self-esteem and knowing I can actually get ahead of this and have some control of my physical health has been so wonderful. It is helping with clearing my mind and I am sleeping better. H